Would You Befriend Yourself? Rethinking Self-Friendship in an Unfriendly World

I'm going to admit something odd: I once asked myself at a party, "Would I talk to me if I didn't know me?" The answer was an uncomfortable maybe—and that's what started my long, messy friendship with myself. This post isn't about toxic positivity or self-love mantras you can't relate to. Instead, it's the real, sometimes clumsy, path to being the kind of friend to myself that I've always wanted to find in someone else.

Awkward Intros: What If You Met Yourself at a Party?

There’s a question that’s haunted me since I first heard it:

"If you were someone else, would you befriend yourself?"

Reliving the Moment: My Self-Friendship Honesty Test

Imagine this: You’re at a party, feeling a little out of place. You spot someone across the room—yourself, but you don’t know it’s you. Would you walk over? Would you want to strike up a conversation? Or would you keep your distance, assuming that person isn’t quite your type? That night, I realized I wasn’t sure I’d approach myself. The idea stung. I wondered, am I really someone I’d want to be friends with? This was my first real test of self-friendship, and it was surprisingly uncomfortable.

The Double-Edged Sword of Knowing Yourself Too Well

Here’s the tricky part: I know all my own quirks, insecurities, and awkward habits. I know how I sometimes talk too much when I’m nervous, or how I can be too blunt when I mean to be helpful. Knowing yourself so well is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I know what I bring to the table—loyalty, humor, a willingness to listen. On the other, I can’t ignore the flaws that might make me hesitate if I met myself as a stranger.

• Perks: I know I’m a good listener, and I genuinely care about people.
• Pitfalls: I can be a little reserved at first, and sometimes I overthink things.

Self-perception is often harsher than reality. I’ve learned that the way I see myself isn’t always how others see me. Still, it’s hard not to focus on the things I wish I could change, especially when I imagine meeting myself for the first time.

Midlife Skepticism: Why Befriending Yourself Gets Harder

As we get older, making new friends becomes a challenge—research shows that many adults struggle to form and keep friendships, especially after midlife. I’ve found that the same skepticism I feel about meeting new people sometimes turns inward. I know my own baggage, my history, my mistakes. It’s easy to judge myself more harshly than I would a stranger at a party.

There’s a certain social anxiety that comes with introducing myself—even to myself. The older I get, the more I notice my inner critic pointing out reasons why I might not be “friend material.” But I also see the value in being my own best friend, especially in a world where loneliness can sneak up on anyone. Overcoming loneliness starts with self-acceptance, and that means facing the awkwardness of self-introduction head-on.

So, next time you find yourself at a party—real or imagined—ask honestly: Would you approach you? Would you want to make friends with yourself? It’s a question worth sitting with, even if the answer surprises you.

Three Pillars of Self-Friendship: Respect, Challenge, Freedom

When I first started thinking about whether I’d want to be friends with myself, I realized that “love yourself” was only part of the story. What I really needed was a system—a foundation for self-friendship that could hold up even in an unfriendly world. For me, that foundation is built on three pillars: Respect, Challenge, and Freedom.

Self-Respect Tips: The Overlooked Art of Respecting Your Needs

Respecting myself didn’t come naturally. In fact, I was often called “selfish,” “rude,” or “harsh” for letting go of people and things that no longer served me. But I learned that respecting yourself is about understanding what you deserve and what you don’t. It’s not about being cold—it’s about being honest with yourself and setting boundaries for self-care.

• Listen to your needs: Give yourself permission to say no, even if others don’t understand.
• Set boundaries: If a relationship or situation feels toxic, you have the right to walk away—no apologies needed.
• Hold yourself accountable: Remind yourself of your values and goals. If you don’t, who will?
• Care for your body: Respect isn’t just mental—it’s physical. Nutrition, sleep, movement, and even the clothes you wear matter.

One of the hardest self-respect tips I’ve learned is to stop comparing myself to others. It’s an act of kindness to yourself. As I remind myself, you can’t compare a cloud to a flower or a pear to an elephant—it makes no sense at all.

Challenging Self-Criticism: Are You Really Believing Everything You Think?

The second pillar is challenge. Real self-friendship means not just accepting your thoughts and decisions at face value.

Challenge your own thoughts and don’t believe everything that you think.

• Question your compromises: Are you settling for less, or is there a better way forward?
• Seek collaboration, not just compromise: Sometimes, you can find a solution that serves you better—don’t be afraid to look for it.
• Challenge limiting beliefs: Don’t let old stories or stereotypes decide what you deserve.

Challenging self-criticism is a skill. It’s about giving yourself the same tough love and honest feedback you’d give a dear friend.

Freedom: Breaking Free from Stereotypes and Limiting Beliefs

The third pillar is freedom. To be your own best friend, you must break free from the “shoulds,” stereotypes, and self-imposed limits that keep you small. There’s no life or curiosity in a rigid, rule-bound existence. I’ve had to remind myself: I’m not average or mediocre just because someone else says so. I deserve to dream big and live fully.

• Notice your “shoulds”: Whose rules are you following? Are they really yours?
• Let go of self-comparison: You are unique—your path is yours alone.
• Rebel against limits: Give yourself permission to want more, to grow, to change.

Building self-friendship on respect, challenge, and freedom isn’t always easy, but it’s the most honest relationship you’ll ever have—with yourself.

Why Hugging Yourself Actually Helps (And Other Not-So-Silly Practices)

There have been quite a few situations in my life—especially the hard ones—where my heart felt like it was breaking. Sometimes, there was no one around to lean on. Just me, myself, and the silence. In those moments, I did something that felt a little silly at first: I hugged myself. I wrapped my arms around my own shoulders, squeezed tight, and let myself feel the warmth. To my surprise, it actually helped. The simple act of hugging yourself can bring you a lot of comfort and much-needed care.

The Secret Power of Self-Hugs

Science might not talk much about hugging yourself, but I can tell you from experience—it works. When you physically embrace yourself, your body and mind can relax, even if just for a moment. It’s a self-care practice that doesn’t require anyone else’s permission or presence. In a world that often feels unfriendly or distant, this small gesture can be a lifeline.

Inventing Your Own Self-Care Rituals

Hugging yourself is just one way to show self-kindness. Over time, I started inventing my own rituals for self-support. Here are a few that have helped me build emotional independence and a growth mindset:

• Solo walks: Getting outside, moving my body, and letting my thoughts wander.
• Celebrating alone: Lighting a candle or baking a treat just for me on a tough day.
• Self-gifts: Buying myself a small present or writing a kind note to my future self.

These self-soothing rituals might look odd from the outside, but they help me embrace my uniqueness and remind me that acts of self-kindness can be more powerful than we admit.

Wild Card: What If You Were Your Own Best Friend?

Here’s something to try: what if, just for one day, you treated yourself like your favorite friend? Would you speak more gently to yourself? Would you forgive your mistakes faster, or cheer yourself on when things get tough? Imagine planning a day just for you—your favorite meal, your favorite music, and a little adventure. This isn’t about isolation or being a lone wolf. It’s about practicing self-care and building the kind of emotional resilience that doesn’t depend on constant external validation.

Freedom from Needing Constant Validation

After heartbreak or disappointment, it’s easy to crave reassurance from others. But learning to comfort myself—through hugs, rituals, or even learning new growth mindset skills—has brought a quiet kind of freedom. I still love connecting with people, but I no longer feel lost when I’m alone. Platforms like Skillshare have helped me pick up new skills and hobbies, but I’ve learned not to rely on them for validation. (If you’re curious, the first 1,000 users can get a month free on Skillshare—sometimes, investing in yourself is the best gift you can give.)

The simple act of hugging yourself can bring you a lot of comfort and much-needed care.

Remember, self-care practices aren’t about being selfish—they’re about embracing your uniqueness and giving yourself the support you deserve, especially when the world feels unfriendly.

Conclusion: The One Friendship That Lasts

When I look back on my life, I see a trail of changes—faces that drifted in and out, homes that became memories, jobs that shaped and reshaped my days. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this: everything else in life is temporary, but the friendship you build with yourself remains. Even when everything else changes, this relationship is always there to nurture—or to neglect. As I’ve learned, we are going to stay with ourselves no matter what—so why not make the most of it?

People will come and go. Some friendships will blossom, others will fade. Careers will shift, homes will be left behind, and the world around us will keep moving. But through every twist and turn, there’s one constant: yourself. This is the core of self-friendship. No matter how many times you start over, you are the one person you can count on to be there, every single day. That’s not going to change—we are, in a sense, “stuck” with ourselves. But what if we saw that not as a burden, but as a gift?

I used to think the best way to survive an unfriendly world was to toughen up, to keep my guard high and my expectations low. But that only made me feel more alone. It wasn’t until I started investing emotionally and mentally in myself—treating myself with the same patience and encouragement I’d offer a close friend—that I began to grow. Self-friendship isn’t just a comforting idea; it’s the foundation for real personal growth. When you support yourself in the most caring way, you build resilience for whatever changes life brings.

So I want to ask you: What’s stopping you from being your own friend? Is it old habits, harsh self-talk, or the belief that you don’t deserve kindness from yourself? I’ve been there. But I’ve learned that opening up to myself—flaws and all—has made every other relationship in my life richer and more authentic. When you nurture the friendship within, you empower yourself to handle life’s changes with more grace and confidence.

It’s not about being perfect. I still make mistakes, still have days when I forget to be gentle with myself. But I keep coming back to this truth: the relationship I have with myself is the one friendship that lasts. It’s the soil from which all my other connections grow. So I remind myself, and I remind you, to keep your heart open and true to yourself. Invest in your own well-being, emotionally and mentally, the way you would for someone you love.

We are going to stay with ourselves no matter what—so why not make the most of it?

As you move forward, I hope you’ll keep asking yourself what it means to be your own friend. Let your self-friendship be a source of strength and comfort, no matter how the world around you shifts. The journey isn’t always easy, but it’s the one that truly lasts.